the other day, i had some friends over. well, you know, we're all sitting around huffing nitrous, and trying to decide what to do with the road sign that mickey brought over. stupid kid. he thinks it's cool to collect road signs, but man, i just wish he would grab a STOP or YIELD or MERGE or something normal. i've got this huge sign in my kitchen that reads "An Equal Opportunity Lender." it's like eight feet tall. rust flakes off it all the time. it can be scary. i was in the midst of wolfing down what i thought was a heavily bacon-laced omelette (sara was cooking that day), and finally realized that my eggs had been graced with a fine smattering of rust shavings.

so there we are, and the people next door -- i call them the RageHumpers -- start in on the sex thing. i mean, it doesn't really bother me, as my fancies lie elsewhere, but you know. energy is very contagious. so before you know it, everyone is masturbating in my livingroom. i found it to be quite awkward. and i couldn't believe how many of my friends don't trim or shave whatsoever. i find that very rude.

and balls are just about the funniest thing ever. there's no way, really, for them to look cool. i mean, serious. at best, they seem somewhat freaky. threatening in a Oddities of Nature kind of way. but stylish? sharp? striking? debonair? ominous? no. balls are sheer vaudeville.

so there everyone is, jacking off in wild abandon. the guys are yanking it, not-so-handsome sacs just jumping up and down. the girls are rubbing themselves like monkeys in heat, smearing their breasts all over the place with one hand, while they frantically search their greasy grooves for some morsel of relief. it was mayhem. no one seemed to care that everyone was moving in time to the Herbie Hancock song coming from the kitchen radio.

days like this make me wish i didn't have a photographic memory.

anyway, that evening was a real drag. after everyone was done, the mellow sounds of the Simpsons bathed the house in afterglow, and i waved around some incense to try and clear the air of some strange chicken soup odor that must've seeped in from the hallway. i thought the worst of it was over. the house was calmed, spent. it was actually nice for a while, before the arguing next door seeped through the wall and began making everyone edgy.

before you know it, arguments broke out everywhere, and tension began to mount. the night ended ugly. i won't say anything, but the shouting was loud enough to drown out the tv, and that began to really irk me. i should've been grateful, as the unbridled fury of the group make-up sex to come was truly terrifying.