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June 20, 2003

LiveJournal. Where Real People Read About Real Lives.

you can tell a lot from people's journals here. you know? it's true.

like "crazyshortdork." she's obviously wild and crazy. yeah! i bet she is spontaneous and fun-loving and just...just...out of control! i mean she has to be. it's all over her page. the email addy, the MSN name -- note the word "crazy!" a clear indicator of mental instability! the crazy people do that. they are known to do things like that, to confess their true insanity in the form of blog identities and email addresses. i know. my uncle Santoro was a bit insane. he was a schizophrenic. he had many episodes where he would just begin filling out his job applications as "Santoro the Schizophrene." i was very surprised, actually, when he got the job with the circus. but i was glad to see him leaving walmart.

and britney is probably extremely beautiful. i bet her tits are like ripe melons, her cheeks as soft as a baby's ass, and her cunny as slick as a rain-sodden frog. you can tell from all the pink, as well as the britney spears theme. i'm pretty sure all the girls who use pictures of beautiful celebrities are pretty, themselves. it's a solid formula.

you can always tell a real thinker because they have journal titles like "contemplations" and such. this indicates the deepness of the thoughts. the black is also a sure sign of how stark and serious their contemplations are. get ready for some real heavy pondering, pardner. batten down the thinking cap.

it's clear that "mystikfaerie" is spritely and mystical and feminine and sweet.. how do i know? her username. it's actually a violation of the LiveJournal T.O.S. to describe yourself as something other than what you are, so chances are she is slim and pretty and full of secret winks and smiles. this is basically how mystical faeries work. additionally, her hair is braided in the official fairy style, and one of her usericons is a unicorn. there can be no arguing either the mystical quality nor the fairy aspect! we know who this person is! for sure. even her last post shows what a poor misunderstood girl-loving girl she is. what a buttercup. what a mystical lesbian fairy.

people who score high on uniqueness quizzes are leaders and almost always are quite-talented people. for instance, this fella. you can also tell he is a powerful human in his everyday life because he uses a word like "almighty" in his username. this is a sure sign of personal might. the fact that he posted his quiz results at four a.m. asking for corroboration on his artistic quality and uniqueness only shows how kind he is for including his readers in on a diagnosis he already obviously knows the answer to. again, the black journal reflects his ancient, unwavering almightiness.

you can be sure that punked2death is a rough and rowdy, anarchistic rebel, ready to devote her time to drinking, rebellion and punching holes in the system. the black t-shirt w/skull icon shows us this, as well as the "punk" in the username, and the icon of a fella sitting on a bathroom floor. she aggressively uses the word "Motha Fukka," and talks of vomitus rather frequently. Punks like this aren't afraid to use violent words like "Fart," as you can see. we can be sure that this one is blasting the sex pistols, eating lightbulbs, and bangin' dope in the streets! oh, wait, no...she has a loft in chicago and a dog...hmm. well, no matter. the dog's name is probably "spotty rotten."

ps: definitely look for clever writers, you can learn a lot by emulating their style. they usually use phrases like "nobody writes genfic", words like "fandom" and "the subcon." as you can see they will use lots of punctuation-facial-expression-shortcuts and also phrases like "i heart you so much." that's just a writer thing, you'll get used to it.

some people are very dark and spooky. if the name doesn't tell you, just look at the interests..."death, destruction, domination" and even "mayhem!" these are not interests that spooky people keep secret. they like to advertise them. the usericon with the green tinge and hard contrast also indicates a creepy and dark aura. again, the page is black, telling us immediately that this person is probably a creature of the night or a vampire. perhaps even a ghoul. what's so funny? ghouls keep weblogs, too, sheesh.

and then there are those i try to spend most of my time reading, the LJers who have inner peace. like tranquility. first of all, we have the name! only those with inner peace would even think of this name. it is the universe's way of assuring the honest representation of its chosen few. absent the calming icons, we have passages where the author types their transcendent thoughts and experiences into their LJ client, in order to enlighten the rest of us. they convey their inner peace with phrases like "Sweating from the heat, wanting to say I love you" and "You turn around, and wham, it's so incredible..." they do not sleep but they do have a "blissful sleep." silence is "peaceful silence" and time spent with their "love" is always described as "heaven." it's very clear, and i want to thank these people for their LJ presence. by the time i am done reading them, i am always a happier, more centered person. additionally, i learn how to handle conflicts. for example, tranquility, when you talked about how you "have a low tolerance for pettiness and plain childish stupidity" i felt much better. knowing i can feel this way and still retain my inner peace is very assuring. additionally, to see that those as enlightened as yourself will "take no shit" sets a great example. in fact, i am linking my friend's children to your page. i want to let them enjoy the blissful peace, too.

LiveJournal! a great way to get to know people.

SUPERMILK is an expert Squeezer of Lemon, Thumber of Nose, and Navigator of Moronity. His mark can be found on the Bedpan of Hammurabi, the forehead of Dagonet, and the office stationery of Jorge Bourgoise. Additionally, he approved this boatload of kielbasa for export at 9:40 PM| (0)