FIRST GRADE: CALLED TO PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE TO READ NEWSPAPER, WHEN REPUTATION FOR VOCABULARY REACHES THE ADMINISTRATION OF NEW SCHOOL. REFUSES TO FORGE TEACHER'S MARK ON LOVELY JESSICA'S ACTIVITIES CHECKLIST, EVEN WHEN CALLED "HUNNYBUNCH" IN A SWEET VOICE.

THIRD GRADE: TELLS FRIENDS HE IS BIONIC. AND A SPY. THE AGE AT WHICH JOAQUIN FIRST IGNORES HIS GUITAR. SKIPS FOURTH GRADE; GOES DIRECTLY TO FIFTH. NO $200.

EIGHT YEARS OLD: DECIDES NAME WILL NOW BE "JACK." KEEPS NAME UNTIL COLLEGE . EVEN HIGH SCHOOL RECORDS REFLECT SELF-APPOINTED NAME. MOTHER REFUSES TO COMPLY.

NINE YEARS OLD: TAKES TO SINGING "THE LOGICAL SONG" ON WALK HOME FROM SCHOOL. SEES "FRIDAY THE 13TH" IN THEATER, WHICH RUINS HIS SLEEP FOR THE NEXT 8 YEARS.

TEN YEARS OLD: IS ASKED BY TWO GIRLS WHO PHYSICALLY FIGHT OVER HIM WHICH ONE HE WANTS. PROMPTLY CHOOSES WRONG GIRL. ENJOYS SINGING THE WALL, PT II.

15: REFUSES TO REPEAT PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE IN SCHOOL. IS REFERRED TO PSYCHOLOGIST FOR FILLING IN BIG MATH TEST WITH ORIGINAL POETRY. MOVES OUT OF PARENTS' HOME. QUITS HIGH SCHOOL THE NEXT YEAR.

17: FANCIES THE WORDS "ANIMOSITY" AND "MUNDANE." MOVES IN WITH GIRLFRIEND, HOLDS TWO JOBS. BEFRIENDS NEXT DOOR SCHIZOPHRENIC NEIGHBOR. NAMES NEW DOG "SCHIZO."

20: GETS G.E.D. ENTERS COLLEGE. SOON KICKED OUT OF DRAMA CLASS FOR HAVING "TOO MUCH ENERGY" AND BEING "DISRUPTIVE." IS ASKED BY SOCIOLOGY PROFESSOR TO ATTEND STUDENT/FACULTY DINNER AS SPECIAL GUEST. DECLINES.

27: ANONYMOUSLY WRITES AND DISTRIBUTES OVER 100 COPIES OF UNDERGROUND COLLEGE NEWSPAPER. SPARKS DIALOGUE ABOUT ONE VERBALLY ABUSIVE PROF, AND DEMANDS OTHER DERELICT PROF'S RESIGNATION, WHICH FOLLOWS, AFTER BEING CALLED OUT BY AUTHOR. NEVER TAKES CREDIT. TRANSFERS.